It's not Godzilla! But we should scream and run as though it is Godzilla!

I love the movie Goldmember. Every time I see the scene where Austin Powers runs his mini into the back of a fake Godzilla and drives down a Tokyo street, I laugh until I cry. I don't know who won the Oscar in 2002 but it should have been Mike Meyers. Watch the movie and tell me you think once about how many parts he plays and how different each one of them is. You simply watch Austin and Dr. Evil battle it out. And, if you've got a laugh-o-meter that runs to sight gags and puns like me, you laugh like crazy.

Today, Bin Laden was reported to threaten to attack America again.

Run, Run, it is Bin Laden! No, wait, it's another "purported" video tape from an "undisclosed" location that contains no images of Bin Laden that look fresher than, say, Tora Bora in 2001. Oh, sure there is a Bin Ladenish voice on audio tape, but anyone who has mistaken a mom for a daughter on the phone knows that Bin Laden on the audio tape might not be Osama Bin Laden.

I think of this clown as "Scotty Bin Laden," in homage to Dr. Evil. I've been saying both privately and publically that we nailed Osama at Tora Bora in 2001 and the United States is well aware of this. Cynics say the U.S. would go back to sleep if our bogeyman was killed; patriots say that sleeper cells in the U.S. would go into doomsday mode if their beloved leader was proved dead.

I simply say: If he's alive, Al-Queda, show us. Show us a video tape of your filthy leader with a picture of the director of Brokeback Mountain accepting the Golden Globe. Show him holding a newspaper with the date clearly visible -- one that is later than, say, 2001.

Al-Queda may pull off an attack, but Bin Laden is long dead. These "attack" audiotapes have all the desperate flavor of the G.I. Joe figurine that terrorists tried to pass off as a real hostage.

Today's story doesn't strike me with fear. We've got the Al-Queda terrorists against the wall and we're thrashing them and this pitiable audio tape is the best they can do. Perhaps they can borrow that G.I. Joe doll and make up some video to go with that audio.